I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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