I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
