I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
