I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
