I wish my penis had an off switch
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
