Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
