Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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