we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
