I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
