I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
