mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
