Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
