I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
