he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
