I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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