dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I am not eating basil off your cock
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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