I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
