Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
