thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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