I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
