Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
