The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
