and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
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I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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