ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
