I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
