How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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