so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
