im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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