Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
