You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
