I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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