Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
