Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
