So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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