omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
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Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
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I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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