Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
