I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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