You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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