Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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