epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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