I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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