Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
