rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
