Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I need to calm my uterus...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
