You're completely useless in the revolution.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
