dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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