Someone shit on the floor
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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