This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
