Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??