youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
