in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
