If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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