Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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