Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
