did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
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