So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
